The Top Ten Things That Capitalism Has Done For Michael Moore

Michael Moore proclaims "Capitalism did nothing for me."

You're wrong, Michael. Dead wrong. Capitalism has done plenty for you, sport.

1. American Capitalism made your 7,500 calorie per day diet cheaper (and tastier) here than anywhere else in the world.
2. That shirt you're wearing. Polo, by Ralph Lauren. $80 in size XXXL, available at Big and Tall Mens shops nationwide.
3. Horizontal stripes. A guy your size would be locked up in most socialist countries for that fashion faux pas. Probably executed in Italy, France or Sweden.
4. The world's best health care system, good for taking care of behavior-related chronic health care issues like cardio-vascular disease, type II diabetes, and gout.
5. Intellectual property rights are protected under capitalism. (It makes me shudder to refer to your, ahem, body of work as "intellectual property", but there you have it.)
6. If you subtract out the rentals and royalties you've earned from theaters and distributors who are capitalists, you'd be living under a bridge somewhere.
7. Your freedom to ambush corporate CEOs made you rich. You try that stunt with the new owners of GM, and you'll have your kneecaps broken.
8. Or worse, your next movie will be called Jimmy Hoffa and Me.
9. A cushy apartment in Manhattan, the Bolshevik paradise.
10. Most of all, you should be thankful that capitalism has given you an affluent, liberal, self-loathing audience which eagerly laps up your tripe.